Barely Breathing

Just like a volcano that's ready to explode, i can't help but but send smoke signals to warn the people around me. It's just how I am.
I do things my way in my own time. Nobody messes up with that. I'm not inflexible. I just want things planned ahead of time. I'm tired of pleasing everybody. That seems to be an impossible thing to do.
Looking back I wonder, why did my mom prefer to accompany the balikbayans instead of spending time with me on the eve of my wedding? Among all nights, it was such a lonely evening. The once in a lifetime experience was just brushed aside. Is their life more important than mine? I remember crying really hard. Imagine me, the only child, spending my last day as a bachelorette alone. Do I deserve less love and attention just because I live a financially comfortable life? While I was walking down the aisle, I wept because I was trying to spill all the bad feelings I have bottled up inside...not because I'm letting go of my past life. I cried because I know that my dad has so much love for me and regrets the time that was lost wandering with the people he couldn't care less. I sure know how to cry. It's one of the things I'm so used to doing. When you spent most of your life in solitude, nobody to talk to, no one to share the burden with...you'd know how good it is to shout! to cry!
Why do I always have to take the fall and suck up the faults I didn't do? Do I always have to make excuses for other people's shortcomings just to save their ass? I'm tired. I'm not a saint like my mom. I am nothing like her. Aside from the family resemblance, we have nothing in common. I'm not saying that she's not a good mother. It's an injustice to say that. She's selfless and giving. Things I can never measure up to. I don't want to be selfless... I want to love myself. Giving is an option and not an obligation. You may think I'm narrowminded. Sure, everybody can say that...but they never took the time to look at things from my stand point. Oh...the things I did just to keep this family together. No one will know that. We're not perfect but I don't want to think that we're broken. There's time to heal and time to just stand still.
For now... I may just be the burden that's too heavy to carry. Mom's greatest enemy. She might be feeling this way. I can't blame her. I don't give her everything that she wants of me. Someday, she'll also know that I'm the only one that's left. I love you, mom! From one bitch to another.

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I got this forwarded message from my sister-in-law. It pretty much sums up what I believe in. Thanks, Celyn.

Bitchology
" When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch. Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it !!!! '"
- Anonymous